When you start (or continue) wondering what fits you

 

Sometimes the way we see our own sexuality shifts over time. People may begin to ask themselves more closely who they are attracted to, what they experience, and how they want to understand it for themselves.

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Such processes can begin in very different ways: through a new encounter, changes in a relationship, coming-out experiences in one’s environment, or simply through an inner sense of curiosity or uncertainty.

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If you are at this point right now, there is no need to clarify everything immediately or to find the “right” label. There is no required pace and no expectation to quickly arrive at a fixed definition.

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In counselling, the focus is on taking your experiences seriously – without judgement and without pressure – and creating space so that your inner experience can gradually become clearer and more organised.

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Orientation and identity – two terms for understanding

Sexual orientation describes who a person feels emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually attracted to.

Sexual identity describes how a person understands and labels this experience for themselves – with a label (e.g. lesbian, gay, bi+, pan, queer, asexual) or consciously without a fixed definition.

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Experiencing, behavior, and self-identification do not always need to align perfectly.

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Some people have a clear sense of attraction but (still) cannot find the right words for it. Others use a label that feels right for a certain period and later change it again. And some people experience their sexuality as relatively stable and clearly defined.

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Common inner experiences

 

Many people going through processes of self-exploration report similar inner experiences:

• strong comparison and the question of whether one is “queer enough” or “valid”

• uncertainty about reactions from family, friends, or work environments

• shame or internal pressure, even when there is no external expectation

• changes in relationships when someone begins to question or reorient themselves

• difficulty enjoying closeness or sexuality when thoughts, fear, or past experiences interfere

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Especially when societal expectations or experiences of rejection play a role, this process of self-understanding can feel exhausting.

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From a psychological perspective, this is very understandable: it is often about finding orientation within a social context that is not always safe or openly accepting.

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How I can support you

 

I offer a calm, confidential space in which you can sort through what you feel, think, and do not yet know – without pressure. The focus is on developing a clearer understanding of your own experience.

 

Individual counselling

Together, we can look at things such as:

• Which situations trigger attraction, closeness, or distance – and what might that mean for you?

• Which internal expectations, rules, or fears are influencing your experience?

• How would you like to speak about yourself – with or without labels?

• What do you need in order to feel safer in relationships, dating, or everyday life?

A key part is also practical relief in daily life: shaping communication, boundaries, and pace in a way that feels right for you.

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Counselling with a partner

If you are in a relationship, counselling can help facilitate conversations without them becoming overwhelming or escalating quickly.

Typical areas include:

• clearer, calmer communication instead of assumptions or uncertainty

• dealing with feelings such as fear, jealousy, or hurt without blame

• shared agreements on topics such as openness, relationship structure, or information needs

The goal is not to find an immediate “solution,” but to restore connection – even when many things are in transition.

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Limits and when additional support is needed

 

Counselling does not replace medical or psychiatric treatment.

Additional support or assessment is particularly important if:

• you are in an acute crisis or do not feel safe

• thoughts of self-harm or suicide occur

• violence, coercion, or sexual boundary violations are involved

• severe psychological symptoms (e.g. panic, major depression) significantly affect daily life

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How it works

 

Free initial consultation (20 minutes): We briefly clarify your concerns, your needs, and whether my offer is a good fit.

Sessions: 50 minutes, usually weekly or biweekly.

Format: primarily online; sessions in Berlin are also possible.

Confidentiality & data protection: your information is fully protected and handled according to professional confidentiality standards and GDPR-compliant processes.

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Next step: free initial consultation

If you would like to, you can book a free initial consultation. There is no obligation. Sometimes this first moment of sorting things out is already enough to see more clearly what the next small step could be.

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References​​

 

American Psychiatric Association. (o. J.). Definitions of Gender, Sex, and Sexual Orientation.

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American Psychological Association, APA Task Force on Psychological Practice with Sexual Minority Persons. (2021). Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Sexual Minority Persons.

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Frost, D. M., & Meyer, I. H. (2023). Minority stress theory: Application, critique, and continued relevance. Current Opinion in Psychology, 51, 101579. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101579 (PMID: 37270877)

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Katz-Wise, S. L., & Todd, K. P. (2022). The current state of sexual fluidity research. Current Opinion in Psychology, 48, 101497. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101497 (PMID: 36401908)

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Lilly, K. J., Satherley, N., Sibley, C. G., Barlow, F. K., & Greaves, L. M. (2024). Fixed or Fluid? Sexual Identity Fluidity in a Large National Panel Study of New Zealand Adults. Journal of Sex Research, 61(9), 1351–1366. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2023.2289517 (PMID: 38095580)

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Mittleman, J. (2023). Sexual Fluidity: Implications for Population Research. Demography, 60(4), 1257–1282. https://doi.org/10.1215/00703370-10898916 (PMID: 37489833)

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Nakamura, N., Dispenza, F., Abreu, R. L., Ollen, E. W., Pantalone, D. W., & Canillas, G. (2022). The APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice With Sexual Minority Persons: An Executive Summary of the 2021 Revision. American Psychologist. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000939 (PMID: 35143229)

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National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. (2020). Understanding the Well-Being of LGBTQI+ Populations. The National Academies Press. https://doi.org/10.17226/25877

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FAQ​

 

Is it normal to feel unsure about my sexual orientation or identity?

Yes. This is very common. Many people go through periods in which they question or re-evaluate their sexual orientation or identity. This does not mean that anything is “wrong.” Often, it reflects a process of becoming more aware of what feels right for you.

In counselling, the focus can be on sorting thoughts, reducing shame, and exploring how you want to understand yourself – with or without a fixed label.

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Can sexual orientation change over time?

For some people, the way attraction is experienced or how they identify themselves changes over time. For others, it remains relatively stable. Both are possible.

What matters is that change is not unusual. Sexuality can develop, become more differentiated, or also clearer – often depending on life stage, experiences, and relational context.

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Do I need a label (e.g. bi, pan, queer)?

No. Labels can be helpful, but they are not a requirement for a valid sexual identity. For some people, labels provide orientation or a sense of belonging. Others use them temporarily or not at all.

Counselling is not about placing you into a category, but about understanding your lived experience – and finding language that feels right for you.

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What if my partner comes out or questions their sexuality?

This can bring up many emotions at once: uncertainty, grief, fear, curiosity, jealousy, or relief. These situations rarely concern sexuality alone – they often involve questions about relationship structure, closeness, and future stability.

It can help not to evaluate everything immediately, but to clarify step by step:
What does this actually mean for us? What is changing – and what is not?

Counselling can support conversations so that both partners feel heard and uncertainty does not turn into withdrawal or conflict.

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Is online counselling suitable for such personal topics?

For many people, yes. Online counselling can feel supportive because it is flexible and takes place in a familiar environment. What matters is that you feel safe enough to speak openly and that a stable working relationship can be built.

In the initial consultation, we can explore together whether online counselling is a good fit or whether in-person sessions in Berlin would be more suitable.